Wednesday, March 11, 2015

"I'm Going To Punch A Foreign Leader And See What Happens," By Sen. Tom Cotton

My name is Tom Cotton, and I'm the junior US Senator from Arkansas. You may not understand this, but Congress is a coequal branch of our government. We share some important foreign policy duties with the president. That's why I'm about to wander through the streets of the capital until I find a foreign official, and then I'm going to punch that person as hard as I can, just to see what happens next.

I bet it'll be cool.

The president can make agreements with other nations. But the US Senate performs an important role to advise and consent with him. It's right there in Article 2! Barack Obama thinks he's the only one who gets a voice. But we need to remind him he's not the boss. That's why I don't know who it is yet, but the person I punch will be at ambassador level or higher. I'm not just going to deck the export minister of some crap-bag country no one cares about. It'll be a major nation, and the guy I take down will be someone you recognize on TV. It's about respecting the office.

Plus I don't want to brag, but I have military training and I work out. If I whale on some soft, middle-aged dude who's not even expecting it, because he probably thinks I just want to meet him for a photo op or a junket, he doesn't stand a chance.

I might even do this throat-strike thing I saw in a movie once. The people who put me here don't deserve any less. We count too, you know! I want to make sure I act as a check on the president. So I'm going to put someone in the hospital, cause an international incident, and derail decades of painstaking diplomacy. Just like James Madison would have wanted.

Republican voters gave me a mandate to make sure Barack Obama is responsible to all Americans. That means he's not supposed to negotiate with foreign countries by himself. Or even respond to national emergencies or act as Commander in Chief, or any of the other stuff he wants to do, because folks like me are going to shut the government down so they can't put you in FEMA camps or force you to get gay-married to Frenchmen. I've been up since 4 am, pounding Red Bulls and reading the Constitution, and when I'm done one of those blond Fox women will interview me.

I'm from Harvard. Did I say that? That's right. Fucking Harvard, okay?

I know the law. I know my rights. I represent a major political party of a great nation and the proud state of Arkansas. Plus I've been practicing my moves in the mirror. Believe me, they are sweet.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

10 True Facts That PROVE Global Warming Is A Hoax.

If you keep in touch with your family and high school friends on Facebook, you've probably seen the report from NASA that the polar ice in the Antarctic sea is at an all-time high. It's clear proof that climate change is a fantasy. It's indisputable. The only way you could argue against it is if the earth had some kind of mythical "alternate pole," where ice was dwindling at an even faster rate to make up for the gain. We don't live in that kind of crazy sci-fi world, folks! The people at NASA know that, and that's why they couldn't actually put data from this nonexistent Narnia-kingdom in the very report your conservative friends see fit to share with you, making them all look like jackasses.

But there's more to the story. You and I know we've been gathering data about what a hoax global warming is for years now. Let's review the undeniable truths we've all heard.

10. I had to put a jacket on. Yesterday.
9. It was snowing at that one place where it usually doesn't snow, and they showed it on Fox, and Steve Doocy seemed really surprised. He raised his eyebrows in that way he has of letting you know this is not what he expected.
8. There are bloggers following this stuff on the internet in places where they'll also sell you gold and gas masks, and they can show all kinds of stuff the scientists said would happen, but then didn't happen.
7. Every time they have a guy telling you it's true on TV, or in an article, they have another guy telling you it's false. Every time. What does that say?
6. Some of those bloggers have degrees that sound technical.
5. You could see your breath just last week.
4. Also on Fox they had that guy who used to play that character you liked in that show you watched, and he was not convinced at all about this.
3. The senator said so, and he's spent his life talking to experts from energy companies who study this kind of thing. They come to his office when they bring the money, and they leave really impressive Powerpoint presentations about it.
2.This one time my friend Steve was out at the lake house, back when we were both 12, because Steve's friend Troy found a Playboy there, so we were looking for it on our dirt bikes, because Troy said it wasn't even torn up or anything. But it was really hot, and that was like, years ago. So I went back last summer, and it was much cooler.
1. Jesus just wouldn't dick us over like that.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Ben Carson's Most Impressive Achievement Is Why You Shouldn't Vote For Him

Ben Carson has gotten into trouble for saying stupid things, but the man is not an idiot. He's a brain surgeon. The potential Republican presidential candidate is a renowned doctor who was director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins. His extreme religious and social conservatism - he rejects Darwin's theory of evolution - is not the product of ignorance. He's too gifted for any of us to say that. In fact, back in 2004 he performed an operation so complex and difficult it became famous. Dr. Carson separated conjoined twins attached at the head.

"The surgery would involve 11 intricate steps — each one ranging from one to five hours, each one more difficult than the previous step," according to the article about it in Johns Hopkins MagazineThe children shared an intricate web of blood vessels which needed to be carefully divided in a grueling procedure. It is a powerful testament to Carson's intellectual gifts and his determination to help people, and it's exactly why you shouldn't vote for him.

We now know - scientists from a variety of disciplines have gathered a mountain of evidence, and no responsible person can deny it - that life on earth has evolved over the course of billions of years. The processes that created our genetic variation involved countless random accidents, and only through an often cruel process of natural selection could order come from this. Nature is obviously, heartbreakingly indifferent to us and our to happiness. But we can use our incredible intelligence to improve our lives if we face our world squarely.

You know a perfect example of this sort of thing? Twins conjoined at the head.

Anyone who argues that a Supreme Being is up there designing every living thing perfectly and directing all the births and deaths, really, really needs to ignore stuff like twins conjoined at the head. That doesn't add up. It's either an awful error by a blind, motiveless system that depends on error for its dynamism, or it's the product of a malice that approaches Cthulhu levels. My intellectually honest, thoughtful Christian friends admit all this. Natural selection is at work, the world is baffingly cruel, and who knows why it happens? The problem of evil ultimately doesn't have a neat solution. They have faith. Fine. Fair enough.

But if you can spend as much time as Dr. Carson did using the tools of science to save two children from a sickeningly cruel flaw in their own bodies, and you can still say we were all designed perfectly - just a few thousand years ago in a flash of impossible brilliance by a Being who doesn't want us to question whether His scripture matches up with what we can learn about the universe - well, that's worse than ignorance.

That's denial. That's crazy, industrial-strength denial.

Dr. Carson has demonstrated talent and intelligence, and also the ability to look at two and two and actually see five. And that has important repercussions for how he will make science and education policy for this nation. Hell, I wouldn't trust him to enforce tax laws knowing what we know. I say this with respect for his professional accomplishments: He is not qualified to run the executive branch. 

He'll definitely fit in with the rest of the GOP candidates however. I have great faith in that.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Message To The Ferguson PD From An M. Night Shyamalan Movie

Wait. Wait just a minute. You gotta give me a second to wrap my head around this. I mean, I'm kind of the expert on weird, completely unexpected twists, but this is too much. Just too much. I got that report on your department, and I'm still trying to process it.

Okay. Tell me if I'm wrong on this, but does this mean that you guys were a bunch of racists from the very beginning?

Whoah.

At first I thought I had to be reading that wrong. Crude bigoted jokes around the department - really nasty stuff - rampant harassment on the street, and a cop releasing a dog to bite some 14 year-old kid. It just didn't make sense. It wasn't the story I thought I was following, you know?

Man, that reveal was incredible. The cops were actually racists. My mind was blown, man.

But now that I'm thinking about it, I guess the signs were there, weren't they? I didn't see it at first, but now that I know what the end is, I can go back and piece together all the telltale details. Like the fact that there were almost no African American officers on the force. That slipped right by me, but it was like a great big steaming clue. Also, when people protested in the street, and the cops turned out in military gear like an occupying army and harassed every journalist? Yeah, that seems clearer to me now. Wow. I totally missed that.

Also the dead guy. I mean, that's really the biggie I guess.

In fact, the more I think about it the weirder it seems that I didn't get it right then. The officer shot him multiple times, and they just let the cop walk almost immediately. I really should have assumed that was kind of the key to the whole thing. The only problem is that it's kind of... common. Cops are out there killing black people all the time, you know? It's been happening everywhere.

Wait. Hold it.

Holy crap! Hold on a second here. Because if this is really the sign, then that means this racism - this crazy, absolutely unbelievable account of racist cops - it might not only be in one ass-backwards town out in the Midwest. This racist cop thing might be... it might be all over the place.

Is that it? Is that what this is about? Did I get it? Wow. That's a hell of a story.

Jesus, what if it were true?

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

We Have To Stop Rogue Nations. Like Iran.

I worry about Iran. I really do. And I'm glad at least some of our leaders see it for what it is - a lawless nation. It's a threat to peace. Anyone who pays attention knows that.

Iran, let's never forget, was the only country ever to use nuclear weapons against civilians.

Sure, that happened a long time ago. But they've continued to spend billions of dollars every year to support the only country in that region with a secret nuclear weapons stockpile, a country that commits war crimes and actually tried to spread its atomic arsenal to evil regimes like apartheid South Africa. That record is clear.

We can't make false equivalences about this - as if Iran were just like any other nation that wanted to defend itself. Iran is an aggressive power on a global scale. It has a network of military bases around the world. It backs bloodthirsty authoritarian states and then uses them to torture prisoners for information in a hideous "rendition program." It simply destroys governments it doesn't like, covering its actions with lies and phony excuses to its own citizens. This pattern of destabilizing other countries to break them apart and create puppet governments goes back a century. And the pattern continues to poison our relationship with Iran. How can a country make a deal with a government that constantly shows it wants to topple it? How can peace be possible with such a nation?

The country has never been a responsible player in the region. Who can forget how the Iranians supported Saddam Hussein as he committed atrocities with chemical weapons, only to topple his administration on a ridiculous pretext of hunting for WMDs several years later? Who can forget the civil war and terror that followed as they occupied that country? The torture that went on in Iranian detention facilities? The constant stories of Iranians killing civilians?

Iran is not a country to be trusted. It has a massive campaign of kidnappings and targeted killings. It violates the civil rights of its own people; they've gotten used to constant government surveillance and political elites who repeatedly hide the truth from them about what they are doing in the world. It crushes dissent and imprisons whistleblowers. It's a violent, deeply autocratic country, and no responsible person should want it to have unchecked power.

What makes the country truly scary is its religious ideology. You've no doubt heard of the people there who support hardliners in the Middle East, because they really welcome a bloody, apocalyptic war for their faith. They're fanatics, and they have a great deal of power within the government. But even more disturbing is that the vast majority of ordinary citizens in that country believe in a kind of national "exceptionalism." It's been with them since the founding of their nation - it drove them to take over most of their continent, fighting war after vicious war with the locals and their neighbors. It causes them to believe their values are universal, which gives them a ready-made excuse to prosecute an unceasing, completely borderless war. And with this is a curious ability to rationalize their many betrayals of those values. We're dealing with the kind of country that pretends it has a mission to forcibly liberate the entire world while ignoring the fact that this liberation is really nothing more than blanketing the planet with military complexes and secret prisons. It's the kind of country that has an inexhaustible supply of enemies, but never asks itself why. It's the kind of country that idolizes a man whose only accomplishment was killing 200 people, and a country that responded to this by making a movie entirely about what killing all those people felt like to him.

Do you understand the kind of arrogance and ignorance this would involve? The complete fevered certainty that they are a light unto the world combined with a total contempt for the lives of foreign citizens? How could anyone deal with a nation like that?

The best course of action is to wait for all of this nonsense to create so many enemies for that country, and so many wars, interventions, coups, and counter-coups, that it just collapses under the political and economic strain. Clearly, that's what everyone else has decided as well.

You can't reason with these people. They're hopeless.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Fox News Studio Wandering Monster Table

One Level Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Kobolds (3-12)
2 Goblins (2-8)
3 Hobgoblins (2-5)
4 Steve Doocy
5 Berserkers (1-4)
6 Brian Kilmeade
7 Gelatinous Cube (1)
8 Racists (2-5)
9 Angry Racists (1-12)
10 Stirges (1-2)
11 Bandits
12 Skeletons/Ann Coulter (1-6/1)

Two Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Ogres (1-6)
2 Thieves/Footpads (2-5/1-2)
3 Ghouls (1-4)
4 Lawyers/Lobbyists (1-8/2-5)
5 Carrion Crawler (1)
6 Karl Rove (1)
7 Ettercaps (1-4)
8 Giant Ticks (1-2)
9 Orcs/Interns (5-20/5-20)
10 Drow Elves (3-18)
11 Racists who say they're not racists, they just believe in old-fashioned values (1-4)
12 Ochre Jelly (1)

Three Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Wererats (1-10)
2 Bugbears (2-8)
3 Bill O'Reilly, naked, chasing a terrified hooker with a chainsaw (1)
4 Dopplegangers (1-4)
5 Gretchen Carlson, trying to tunnel her way to freedom
6 Wights (1-3)
7 Displacer Beasts (1-2)
8 Rupert Murdoch's animated skinsuit (1)
9 Umber Hulk/Sean Hannity (1/1)
10 Harpies (1-3)
11 Tour group of racists (1-10)
12 Balor/Dick Cheney getting into makeup (1/1)

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

D&D Stats Of The Republican Party - The Fleece Of Reaganhair


Woven in the cursed looms of the Iron City of Dis by unpaid staffers who were then ritually defenestrated so they could never reveal their secrets, the Fleece of Reaganhair is a figure of myth and malign legend. The Archduke of the Second Layer himself commissioned it to give to Mephistopheles as a token of their dark friendship. And Bards tell of how the armies of Baator carried it aloft in their battles at the very beginning of the Blood War before it was "lost" - accidentally or on purpose, no one knows - only to surface somewhere on a studio lot in California where it was claimed by a young actor at the start of his career.

The Fleece has a supra-genius intelligence and a powerful will of its own. When it accepts a wearer (always of lawful evil alignment), it grafts onto their skull replacing their own hair in a hideous and agonizing process that takes six full turns and renders anyone of less than 18 Constitution unconscious. It then grants all the armor class and saving throw bonuses, as well as the magic resistance, of a black Robe of the Archmagi, while also allowing its user to function as if they have just imbibed a Philter of Glibness. But these bonuses do not begin to catalog its real power. Because if someone who is not lawful evil attempts to wear the fleece, it forcibly changes his or her alignment, instantly draining 4 levels and 5d10 hit points permanently. Characters reduced to zero levels or hit points by the Fleece are "absorbed" into it, and all magical powers they possess become its own. No one knows how many Neutral Evil state reps and cable news commentators have stumbled upon this artifact in the back rooms of CPAC, only to find themselves lost forever, their minds devoured, their bodies transformed into nothing more than wisps of smoke, the smell of burnt skin beneath the cloying odor of stale Brylcreem.

Some say the Fleece is the phylactery of a powerful Demilich, who is magically imprisoned amid the gin bottles and hummel figurines in Peggy Noonan's liquor cabinet on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. But others believe the Fleece is much more than an arcane magical item - that its black color and slick, slightly wet texture point to its true origin as the remnant of Ahriman itself, the primal spirit of Law and Evil in the multiverse. According to this tale, the "artifact" allowed itself to be found and worked by the agents of Dispater and then given to the Lord of the Eighth before journeying to Los Angeles, as a way of secretly spreading its influence through the nobility of Baator and the GOP leadership, all while Asmodeus acts as its decoy, drawing attention away from a master plan so convoluted and terrible it defies comprehension.

When one who is worthy holds the Fleece aloft at a national convention and then merges with it in shrieks of pain and triumph, the rumors promise, you will know that plan is nigh complete. And hell shall follow.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.
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