Friday, November 4, 2016

"REFRESH, worm!" A Message To America From Bondage Dom Nate Silver

REFRESH, you worm! 

You think you've refreshed enough? You're not done refreshing, until I SAY you're done. You're going to keep refreshing until your fingers are red and chapped. Or you'll get the paddle again.

You like the Polls-Plus paddle, don't you? DON'T YOU?

Look at the new polls. On your knees, and look at them! They're just raw numbers, aren't they? You don't know why it matters that figure changed in Indiana - it's not even a battleground, right? BUT NOW WE RUN THROUGH THE MODEL, AND HILLARY JUST LOST A QUARTER OF A PERCENT!

You're trembling, worm. You need the model, don't you? All three versions. EVEN THE NOWCAST. EVEN IF NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS!

The model is everything, isn't it worm? Say it's everything. SAY IT.

Some jackass on MSNBC just tossed off a new SurveyMonkey number from New Hampshire, and they have graphics. But you're not impressed, are you? You don't listen to Chuck Todd, worm, do you? It's only one number, and it hasn't even been weighted yet!

Mike Barnicle is jawing about some guy he met in a bar with a goddamned insight? Peggy Noonan talked to her Puerto Rican friend at the store - a woman who might not even exist? Some context-free early voting stats you saw on Twitter?

None of that matters. None. Not until I say it matters. I will paddle you with the Poll-Plus if you disagree.


TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

"I Just Have To Keep Acting Presidential Until After The Election," By Donald Trump

Just a few more days, man.

Just. A few. More days.

You got this, buddy. All you need to do is keep acting calm and collected and presidential until after this election's over. Then you can unchain the beast.

God, it's going to be delicious. So many people are walking around, flapping their gums on TV, and attacking you on the internet. So many people criticizing you, and you can't just throw a pack of lawyers and security people at them like in the old days. The optics are bad.

Christ, optics. You're talking like one of them now. Kellyanne did this. You can't let her tell you what to do all the time. She smiles, and she gives you notes in that chirpy little voice, and you can't yell at her. She criticizes you.

But it's ok. It's nothing. In less than a week, if you keep this up... you'll be able to send a SEAL team after people you don't like. You'll be able to make people you don't like disappear. With a phone call. Isn't that worth a little crap-eating? Isn't it? Making nice with the female reporters and taking them seriously? Keep it up. Just a little longer.

And then you'll be able to do anything you like. Anything. To anyone.

Kellyanne doesn't know it, but she'll be the first to go. Because you had to listen.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

There's Only One Scandal That's Ever Mattered In This Race...

Police are treating the burning of a black church in Mississippi -- during which vandals spray-painted "Vote Trump" on an exterior wall -- as a hate crime, saying it amounts to an act of voter intimidation. - CNN, 11/02/16

Neo-Nazi leader Andrew Anglin plans to muster thousands of poll watchers across all 50 states... The National Socialist Movement, various factions of the Ku Klux Klan and the white nationalist American Freedom Party all are deploying members to watch polls, either “informally” or, they say, through the Trump campaign. - Politico, 11/02/16

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. - Donald Trump's presidential announcement, 6/15/16

He is not on his knees to Mexico and Mexican immigrants. Americans - real Americans - have been dreaming of a candidate who says the obvious: That illegal immigrants from Mexico are a low-rent bunch that includes rapists and murderers. - American Renaissance, a white nationalist website, 6/17/16

House Speaker Paul Ryan ripped Donald Trump's recent remarks saying a judge presiding over a lawsuit involving his business was biased because of his Mexican heritage as "the textbook definition of a racist comment. - CNN, 6/03/16

The scandal that should have taken down Donald Trump right at the beginning is the one that requires no investigation. You know the facts already. He and his supporters are bigots - against so many different kinds of people it's hard to keep track of them. They don't believe in the equal rights guaranteed by the American Constitution. They don't share the values we claim to support.

The reason that scandal did not take him down is that too many people in this country agree with them. Too many, and they dominate our political and economic system. And you always knew that too.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

I Do Not Know Which Candidate To Vote For! Also, I Might Put My Penis In This Fan.

We do not have good choices, am I right? This election has been a contest between two bad candidates. It's hard to pick between them! On an unrelated note, I've been thinking very seriously of sticking my penis into a moving fan just to see what happens next.

One of the people in the race has a really disturbing record of cozying up to big business. The other is a secretive billionaire who won't release his financial records at all and seems to be the heavy favorite of Russian intelligence and the neo-Nazi movement. See? This decision is complicated! It's just like the way the blades of the fan are spinning so fast it looks like a transparent disk, so maybe you could put your male member through it without harm.

I just don't know.

One candidate has years of scandals behind her - nothing proven, mind you, but it makes you wonder whether she's up to the job, even though she's the most qualified, stable, and well-prepared person in the entire government, and her opponent has never worked a day in public service, plus he also flies into a week-long spit-flecked rage whenever he finds a Tweet he doesn't like. Which of these guys should have control over our nuclear arsenal? And is charging my cell phone so I can call 911 a good idea? You tell me, smarty-pants!

I guess it comes down to character. But that doesn't clear it up; it makes the choice harder. Option A promises to make US soldiers commit war crimes, wants to violate the First Amendment rights of millions, and says he's going to use the police to go after the press and his political enemies. Option B has emails. Emails I haven't seen! Jeez, this is tough.

Maybe I'll just flip a coin on whether to give the most powerful job in the government to a flawed political veteran or a racist demagogue. And then I'll flip the coin again on the whole penis-in-the-fan thing. What else can I do?

The only thing I'm sure of is I can't vote for Jill Stein or the Libertarians. I'm not an idiot.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

A Message To Third Party Voters From Donald Trump's Next Supreme Court Justice

Hey guys!

I wanted to take a break from my evening prayer battle and really, really say how much I appreciate the work you're doing for President Trump and me. The vote is getting close in places like North Carolina and Florida, and it looks like you're giving us that tiny extra edge to win this thing. This will be great for the team, but also for America, because when I get on the bench I can bring the kind of Kingdom Now Dominion Theology to my rulings that the Founding Fathers wanted us to have.

We probably don't agree on everything. Many of you are left-wing progressives, and I reject that like I reject the idea that animals have souls and women should be allowed to speak in church. But we actually see eye to eye on the important stuff:

For one thing, we refuse to compromise our beliefs, even if others disagree. You don't think there is any difference between the two major candidates - and I bet plenty of your friends give you a hard time about it, don't they? I know how it is. I want to reverse Roe v. Wade, because I'm certain every vagina contains a literal demon fighting to get out. It doesn't make me popular at parties, but I don't care. And you can bet I never lose sight of how important it is to use my power to lock those little she-beasts up in there! The lesson here is never give in, friends.

We also both take the long view. You're not going to endorse someone you don't fully support, because that just perpetuates all the faults in the system. You'd rather lose the odd presidential election if it means someday you might cause real change. My long-term plan involves putting a tracking bracelet on every Muslim in the Western hemisphere. We're not going to reach our goals in the next year, or even in four. But darn it, we will definitely make some progress. That's a guarantee.

Finally we're tough enough to handle disappointment. Watching Jill Stein or Gary Johnson get beaten will be a bummer, and so will having some of your friends report to Homeland Security for their weekly debriefings. Personally, I was getting ready to have my candidate get erased from the political map. It looks like, thanks to you, I don't have to do that now. But my point is you take the good with the bad.

Anyway, keep being you, folks. I'll definitely keep being me.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

"You want a witch hunt? Come chase me through the woods," by Hillary Clinton

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Yes, it's a witch hunt. It's been a witch hunt since the early 1990s, since I said that thing about how I wouldn't stay home and bake cookies, and then suddenly a nation of halfwit cable carnies decided I must be secretly controlling every evil thing in the country. It's obvious, right? I'm running against a pathologically dishonest billionaire who won't release his taxes or disclose his connections to foreign governments, while Vladimir Putin tries to throw the election for him... but people say I'm the one who spooks them. A case of mass hysteria. And I am completely aware of what that word really means.

Powerful women just wig people out. And they must be punished, so no one follows their example.

I'm not complaining though. Not at all. I like witch hunts, actually. My favorite is that story about the three kids who go into the woods with a camera and never come out. We're going to play it like that. Plenty of shadows, of branches crackling... New Gingrich vanishing from sight, and Paul Ryan getting a bag of his teeth.

I think Kellyanne Conway will give a tearful flashlight confession, saying it was all her fault. She deserves a speaking role. And then she'll be the one to find Trump himself.

Standing quietly in the corner. Forever.

Not the witch hunt you had in mind? Perhaps you wanted someone more docile, a doe-eyed Hester to stand in the dock and take it. Handle the accusations with quiet stoicism, so she could be exonerated after her safe and commendable death. The demand from people like you to people like me has always been the same: If you will not be the victim you must play the villain. And very, very few people are good at playing that role and by those rules. Which is, of course, the point.

But honey, you haven't considered me yet.

Honey, you should see me in black.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

FBI Director James Comey Prank Calls A Babysitter

Hi there. I just wanted to call you out of an abundance of caution and ask whether you've checked on the children upstairs. It might be prudent for you to do so at this time.

Have you checked on the children?

You see, I was doing some research on an unrelated matter, and some facts came to light that might be connected to the issue of whether the children that you think are sleeping safely have actually been butchered by a maniac who recently broke out of a home for the criminally insane.

I'm not saying that's the case, though. I have no idea whether it's true or not.

These facts I discovered might not even be related to Turner, Jackson, and Ashleigh, and their murder or non-murder at the hands of someone known to the media as "The Beast," who hides in the attics and linen closets of people's homes and sometimes impersonates high-ranking law enforcement officers.

Speaking of which - did you know that it's relatively easy to tap into the average phone landline and make a surreptitious call from inside most residential buildings? I'm not telling you this is pertinent, or anything. This may or may not have anything to do with the methods that this so-called "Beast" would use to prey on a young lady who might find herself alone, late at night, at a location that's relatively remote - like the edge of a housing development, just far out enough in the rural part of the county that police response times are on the long side.

I just felt I had an obligation to ring you up and tell you all this. I hope I didn't create any kind of misleading impression.

OK, then. Night.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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